How to pray when you don't know what to say

The first time I tried to really pray — not the kind you mumble before dinner, but the kind where you actually need something — I sat there and said nothing for about ten minutes. I had the feeling but none of the words. If that's you right now, sitting somewhere with a knot in your chest and no idea how to start, read this slowly. You're not doing it wrong.

You don't need the right words

Somewhere along the way a lot of us picked up the idea that prayer has a script — that you have to sound a certain way, use certain words, get the order right. Jesus said almost the opposite.

But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

Matthew 6:7–8

Read that last part again: your Father knows what you need before you ask. Prayer isn't you informing God of a situation he missed. It's you turning toward someone who already sees the whole thing — and choosing not to carry it alone.

When you have no words, that's covered too

Here's the part nobody told me for years. There's a verse in Romans that basically describes those ten silent minutes I had:

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Romans 8:26

"Groanings which cannot be uttered." That's a sigh. That's a tear you didn't plan. Paul is saying that when you don't know what to pray, the Spirit prays for you — translating the ache you can't put into language. So the silence isn't a failure. Sometimes the silence is the prayer.

A simple way to start

If you want something concrete, try this. Don't aim for eloquent — aim for honest. Some of the shortest real prayers in the Bible are four or five words: "Lord, save me." "Have mercy on me." Start there.

• Say what's actually true. Not what you think you're supposed to feel — what you feel. "God, I'm scared." "I'm angry." "I don't even know if you're listening."
• Name one thing. One worry, one person, one need. You don't have to cover everything in one sitting.
• Ask for what you want, plainly. You're allowed to.
• Then sit for a minute without saying anything. Prayer is also listening.

The Psalms give you permission for all of it. David didn't tidy himself up before he prayed:

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Psalm 62:8

One more thing

You don't have to pray alone, either. Sometimes the easiest way back into prayer is to pray for someone else — or to let someone pray for you. If you're holding something heavy and have no words for it, write it down and let a few real people carry it with you. That's the whole reason this site exists.